


Do You Know Who You Are?

by lululawrence



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Based on Lights Up, Hopeful Ending, Internal Monologue, It just isn't written, It's very much implied, M/M, No Smut, Roommates, Song fic, mostly - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:54:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26312962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lululawrence/pseuds/lululawrence
Summary: Do you know who you are?Memories flashed through his mind as he rode home on the back of his friend’s motorbike. He’d always had a sort of sense about himself and who he was. A feeling. But knowledge? Truly knowing himself? Especially the past year or so he’d been struggling with that. He wasn’t sure he did.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33
Collections: Fine Line Fic Fest





	Do You Know Who You Are?

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for the [Fine Line Fic Fest](https://finelineficfest.tumblr.com//). Make sure you check out all the other great fics in the collection which can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/FineLineFicFest//)!
> 
> Written for Lights Up. 
> 
> Thank you to my beta [Lynda](https://wait4ever.tumblr.com) and brit pick [KK](https://dinosaursmate.tumblr.com) for your last minute help!!

_ Do you know who you are? _

Harry tried not to let questions like that get to him, but sometimes when he’s caught off guard the thought lodges within him, like a splinter but for his brain. Once that happens there’s no chance of him disregarding them. He has to think it through and find his answer if he wants to have a chance at being able to go about his life with any sort of normality.

_ Do you know who you are? _

Memories flashed through his mind as he rode home on the back of his friend’s motorbike. He’d always had a sort of sense about himself and who he was. A feeling. But knowledge? Truly knowing himself? Especially the past year or so he’d been struggling with that. He wasn’t sure he did.

_ What do you mean? _

Harry sighed and held his arms out, letting the wind blow the flowing sleeves of his pink sheer top dry. Was this who he was? The man who dressed up to go out in order to make sure he was always the centre of attention? Was it the man he’d been whilst on holiday, always making sure he was in the middle of the dancing, mostly bare bodies writhing on the beach to the EDM sounds of whatever DJ happened to be on the stage at the time, only wanting to blend in so he could focus on how he felt in that moment?

_ Can’t you see? _

Closing his eyes, Harry thought about the sheer lace dress he’d worn with only a pair of nude panties beneath and how he felt. Who he’d been in that moment. He thought about the outfit he generally wore to the gym, boxing gloves on his hands as he worked out his frustrations and confusion. The ballet shoes and skin-tight leotards for his dancing. The delicacy and yet firm masculinity of the baby blue sparkles on his favorite shirt, tastefully unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up to show some skin and ink while always juxtaposed by the complete coverage of his high waisted trousers and braces. Which of these versions of himself was he? Any of them?

_ Do you know who you are? _

Harry finally dropped his arms, making sure he hadn’t disturbed their precarious balance. He supposed it wasn’t entirely precarious, but as he wasn’t the one driving it always felt that way, which brought about more ruminations.

He so often felt lost these days. Not about his career, the path he’d chosen, but surely about himself and the stranger who had asked him the questions that now wouldn’t leave his mind had somehow latched right onto his deepest insecurity. He didn’t know who he was, and he was afraid he never would. He was stretching so far, latching onto every possibility of his true self and while he was enjoying the exploration, he had yet to settle on any one thing. All felt good, all felt right, but none felt like the whole truth for who he was, and how could both of those concepts be true?

_ What do you mean? _

The chill of the late night air began to permeate Harry’s senses as the alcohol worked its way out of his system. He somehow always found himself wet and cold whenever he went out on nights like this. He’d destroyed some of his favourite outfits this way, but he hoped this one would weather the storm. 

He pulled the sheer top closed over his chest, knowing it wouldn’t make a difference in how cold he was, but it felt like he was at least trying to do something against the wind. Maybe he should retire some of these fancy, flouncy clothes. They weren’t needed. They were expensive and not the fashion and sometimes brought out the ugly side of people that he’d really rather not have to deal with.

_ Do you know who you are? _

Just as he always did when these kinds of thoughts came around, Harry felt a resolve build within him. 

No. He wouldn’t change anything he was doing for other people. He would only do it for himself if he ever decided he wanted to. He might not know if the suspicious man with the frilly cravat or the flamboyant man wearing the glittery navy blue jumpsuit or the exhausted man in only a simple white vest, high-waisted trousers and a pair of braces were who he really was. Maybe Harry was just the man walking around in a pair of joggers, a ratty Rolling Stones tee, and a pair of chucks. Maybe Harry was the man walking around the park with his friends in a pair of cream straight-legged trousers with the thin stripes Harry loved so much, white socks, white shoes, white top, and a complimentary brown cap.

Maybe… maybe they were  _ all _ Harry. All pieces of the man that came together to make up the whole of who he was. He wasn’t sure of that yet, but it was a possibility he couldn’t deny the idea of.

_ Shine, step into the light. _

Mitch slowed and when Harry looked up he saw his building.

“Thanks, man,” Harry said, patting Mitch’s shoulders. “I appreciate the ride.”

“Sure thing,” Mitch said with a smile. “Just make sure to text Sarah and let her know you’re alright. We’ll both worry otherwise.”

Harry nodded and waved before heading up to his door. It wasn’t until it was closed and locked behind him that he heard Mitch’s motorbike start up again, heading home.

Climbing the stairs up to the second level where his new, shared flat was, Harry smiled. He might not know exactly who he was, but he felt like he was getting there. The choice to get a shared flat so he could afford to have more fun with his clothes had been a good one, he could already tell. It had only been a few weeks, but he already knew he got on with his flatmate and was feeling more settled.

_ Shine, so bright sometimes. _

“Oh, hey Harry. Wasn’t expecting you back until the wee hours of the morning,” Louis said with a chuckle when Harry let himself in.

“Yeah, found myself fully clothed in the hot tub again and figured that really should be a sign for me to call it a night.”

Louis smirked at him and nodded, his eyes sparkling. “Yeah, I think that’s probably a good idea. Cuppa tea to help you warm up? I was already making one for myself before heading to bed.”

Harry sighed. A cup of tea sounded perfect, even if he ended up only holding it for warmth and smelling it for comfort rather than drinking any of it.

“Yes, please.”

_ I’m not ever going back. _

As Harry went to his room to change, he laid to rest the idea that maybe he did know who he was, he was just slowly uncovering himself so he could understand that person within. He could be everyone he presented to the world all at once, there was no reason why he couldn’t.

But as he settled in on the couch beside Louis, the two of them quietly sipping tea while watching old episodes of Friends, Harry also considered the people he’d surrounded himself with. Over the past year or so he’d pruned his friends list to those he was most comfortable with and found a sense of peace in that, and despite the fact that Louis was still a near stranger, Harry felt that moving in with him was possibly the best decision he’d made yet.

_ Know who you are... _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it, thank you for reading! I'd very much appreciate kudos and nice comments :D and if you're interested, you can find the fic post [here](https://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/630877343722995712/do-you-know-who-you-are-by-lululawrence-harry).


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